...was all HARD STYLE. All of it. Everything about what happened in the month of January just foreshadows what will ultimately be an incredibly hard year.
I didn't bother wasting any time with getting completely wasted this New Years. For once I actually out-did myself and came extremely close to getting alcohol poisoning. I'm not entirely proud of what I did, but I am glad I didn't puke all over myself (even though I came pretty close). Not to mention, I narrowly avoided mega bitch drama by not accidentally hooking up with some dude's slutty ex girlfriend in the same bathroom I later threw up in many, many times. The next morning I woke up with the taste of hard liquor on my tongue (when all along I thought the only thing I had was beer), and continued to throw up until my best friend just handed me the keys to his car and said, "go." I took his keys and tried not to puke battery acid all over his steering wheel on the way home. I have never wanted menudo so bad in my entire life.
Anyway, just when I thought January couldn't get any HARDER, we went camping up in the snow-capped mountains, where we listened to Weezer, The Shins and The Killers and sang acoustic ballads to each other around the camp fire. That would have been hard enough, but things got even HARDER when we went down into the canyon on the road up to Cloudcroft and fired my best friend's Kalashnikov AK-47. We emptied a few magazines and I totally nailed a Pepsi can from about 100 yards away because I'm hard as fuck.
I flew back to LA and returned to my ghetto neighborhood where my best friend and I started working on some new songs for our band Son of Man. It was the first time I've ever returned home from a Christmas "break" and didn't have a schedule of classes to return to...the first time in about twenty years. No books to buy. No loans to apply for...no more tuition payments. I still hadn't gotten used to it when all of a sudden it seemed like everyone around me had classes to go to. I fuckin' RULE.
Then my best friend went to a strip club and hilarity ensued.
I thought that might have been the hardest thing that would happen all month, but then my other best friend returned from his vacation to Thailand. He returned with stories, hundreds of pictures, and he gave me the HARDEST souvenirs anyone has ever gotten (one of which I accidentally punctured my couch with while listening to Merauder).
As a Christmas present my dad helped me buy a new HP laptop:
- Intel Duo Core Centrino 2 P8400 2.26GHz 64-bit Processor (basically this processor will lap yours up and down the court without breaking a sweat on the battery...unless you buy a new computer in the next month...fuck technology)
- 64-bit Vista Home Premium (only fully utilized by a 4GB memory card)
- 4GB DDR2 RAM (for obvious reasons)
- 512MB NVIDIA GeForce 9200M GS (in case I feel like gamin' it)
- 12 Cell Lithium Ion Battery (for those 14 hour plane rides)
- Built-in Webcam (for awkward AIM and Stickamin' drama)
Technically, I can't afford this thing right now...but fuck it - it has some pretty amazing specs and I really do need a computer that I can take with me everywhere I go...
...and so I was walking around at Vons and finally decided it was time to start learning how to make some HARDSTYLE omelets. Saute some mushrooms and onions with a little bit of garlic salt, throw it in a pan with some beaten eggs, baby spinach and parmesan cheese and you can make a really good fucking omelet. Holy shit. For some reason this whole experiment inspired me to start buying real food. I finally ate an orange for the first time in several years. I remember them being messy as fuck, but God damn...I've really forgotten how hard it is to peel those things without getting an aneurysm.
It wasn't enough to fire an AK-47 or to fuck up my couch with a ninja-star, so my roommate and I decided to collaborate with some evil friends of ours from New Mexico and record a 7'' Son of Man Split with Albuquerque's own Dead Hours later this year, which will be released on Good Times Records. The two new songs we've written for Son of Man are of the HARDEST HARD STYLE caliber. And if you're not already stoked, it's because apparently you didn't realize my band Onlooker is also planning on recording a 7'' called "Life Saver...Animator" on Good Times Records. These are just a few things to look forward to in the year 2000 HARD...
And the note I'd like to end on is this:
I hate sushi. I hate everything about it. I hate the fact that it's trendy. I hate the fact that every girl in Los Angeles seems to love it more than they love dick, and I hate the fact that I've never even had the chance to try it without EVERYONE talking about it like it's the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread. IT'S NOT. In the twenty-four years that I've been alive, I have never eaten ANY kind of food that deserves the hype/worship/cultural praise that sushi has been getting for the past few years. My goal this year is to eat sushi at some point...and when it doesn't make me come all over myself I'm going to smear it in everyone's face how much I think it SUCKS compared to their assessments.
